You never laughed when we sang
Matra ma ha ha ha ha ha haa
You just rolled your eyes
And rested your elbows on the counter
Sometimes at 4am I rose up and went to the toilet and heard the ticking of the clock
I thought of you there
Head on hands
Propping up the world
Just before I fell back to sleep
a bit of drool slipped out the edge of my mouth
a sleepy smile took over as my eyes rolled back into my head
You are allergic to something
It’s not in the air
Or food or water
It is in your mind
It got in through your _________
It may leave through your ________
But for now one thing is for certain
You are allergic
I listen in your shadow
It was there that I forsook myself
And opened my wounds to receive your sadness
I make it mine and sweat it out in the night
In the morning when the sun is high enough I walk through the light
I find the darkness behind you
Blue rose cries an ocean
And finds herself down a thousand leagues
A hungry clam calls her near
In her time of despair
He opens up and draws her in
And closes up his shell again
But her sadness has made her vile
So he lets her go
and makes her smile
Soon the ocean dries to salt
And blue rose sits alone with her thoughts
Dreams of sun and daffodils
Warming springs and autumn chills
Virtues of thankfulness, goodness and gladness
And the powerful,wonderful wiles of sadness
during her twenty odd years of breathing. She turned the lamp down low and threw her head back in anticipation.
Jada was a happy girl who loved the sun and the rain and the wavy fields and woodlands around her home but it was this time,the time of dreams, she loved the most.
By the time the clock struck 10 Jada was
inside. Before her were two open doors, big doors like a gymnasium has, only she was not aware any gym or of anything around her, only the doors. In her real mind, being early in this process and a veteran dreamer,she thought “blah blah ,two choices :
good and evil,life and death,Butterfingers or Three Musketeers….”
But her real mind soon left her and just as well because it was so wrong.
The hallways to the doors rose upwards away from Jada and she could see sunlight at the end of them.
She had a vague sense of some kind of happy busyness taking place up there.
A carnival atmosphere or a family reunion or …it was hard to say but she thought she heard laughter and she knew laughter in her heart for the first time. It was as if she had raised on muddy water and had been given the purest of spring water in a frosted glass.
There was no need for explanation for deep inside she knew “this is laughter “.
Once the realization of laughter had been grasped her focus returned to the doorways. Above and betwixt the two longhallways an hourglass appeared.
The hourglass rotated clockwise slowly and as it did a music box played Jada’s song. Not that she had ever heard it but more like the way she knew laughter just then. Yes this song belonged to her.
After her song played through one time,this event corresponding with one revolution of the hour glass ,they began to file in. “They” being all the people from her life, so far and yet to be,they came in duplicate . They turned right and left respectively and then they were no longer inside her dream. Each one entered with head held high, calm, self-assured, smiling, as if they too knew or had just come to know laughter.
Each one was known to her as they appeared, the past ones and the future ones with the same crystal clarity and this she decided was some strange kind of love.
When the last one faded from view the hourglass stopped and her song too.
Jada waited for the sand to run out and then she approached the doorways.
She divided and began to approach the busyness at the end of the hallway.
It was in the moment of her division that she felt,for the first time,what it is or must be to be whole. As she walked the noises from the outside filled her ears and she began to understand that these sounds were the songs of all the people of her life and that the movements and bridges and transitions within them all were emulating her own song. When this bit of bliss had sunk in properly she found herselves out in the open in a large meadow.
No music or people or sound excepting the light wind that kept the long meadow grass just a little humble.
In the center of the meadow was a giant red rose floating in a small pool of water like a lily would. Jada and Jada drew closer as they approached the rose.
At the edge of the pool they reached out to touch the floating flower and as they did they were one again and Jada was awake in her wrought iron bed.
She was glad to see her cold empty tea cup had been replaced with a steaming mug of coffee and to hear the birds outside but really and truly it was the dreams she loved the best.